In my earlier post, "Living with Depression," we discussed that Depression is continuously linked to negativity, when in reality it is simply a depressed thought process. There are a thousand scientific words to explain the entire way depression works but lets break it down to its simplest form. To be depressed means to be pressed down. Clearly throughout time, and with how hard life can be, clinical depression has become a negative thought process, filled with feelings of worthlessness and self doubt, but in our brain, we are simply being weighed down. By nature, we relate to the external pressure (influence) being placed on us. When something isn't working properly, we begin to look for what is wrong. What if nothing was ever wrong, but simply different.
If somebody is born with one arm, we don't walk around asking them to clap, we hold the door open for them. We see that they are struggling and the world adjusts for that person. True, not everyone is helpful, and they have their share of burdens, but in general, we see a world that will support this person. When you are born with "no serotonin," however, the world can't see that stress sends shooting tension throughout your body, and emotional instability puts you through agonizing pain. So it's actually like the world is walking around asking the one armed man to clap, everyday, and when we can't, we are told we are failing in life.
What if the depressed person simply stops trying to clap. Stop trying to be "not depressed." You have depression, deal with it. Simply change what's depressing you.
Step One: Accepting Depression. Here's the thing--take all the meds you want, change your diet, exercise, and the truth is, you still have clinical depression. One bad night's sleep and emotional conversation that went the wrong way can send your entire system out of whack and that's reality. A diabetic can monitor their medication properly, follow their diet and exercise daily, but interfere with their health and routines and very quickly their blood sugar is out of control. To manage this the diabetic monitors their eating habits, has emergency candy on hand, and medication if needed. Their loved ones learn what to do in a crisis as well as signs and symptoms that a crisis is coming. It's no different for clinical depression. You may need medication. You will need coping skills. You will need to be honest with loved ones so they understand what makes you tick and why. It may be more challenging to be with you at times and that's the other person's choice to make. But hiding this part of who you are would be comparable to a diabetic eating a whole chocolate cake everyday. No matter what you do, you are leading to an inevitable crash. This is part of who you are, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Step Two: Living Your Depression. One day we wake up, ready to fight our depression. We seek out guidance multiple ways, but we begin the journey out of the darkness. Then life begins to happen, and on and off we find ourselves consistently back in the darkness time and time again. We begin to ask ourselves "What's the point, if I always end up back here?" But are you really in the same place? If you are it's simply because you haven't truly explored your surroundings. A theory I have is that no person could ever imagine the exact same experience twice. If I imagine a trip to a beautiful beach, I will sit in the moment and enjoy. Next time, however, I will remember how on my imaginary beach it would have been nice to have a fancy drink. With the drink on my imaginary beach it would make sense that I should have a hammock. Maybe I will wish that I had conversation one day, and my children playing in the sand the next, but it will always change as I experience it. I will learn myself and my desires, what I long for and my perspective on what I could live without. Overcoming depression requires a person to basically learn their darkness. Look inside yourself. Learn what pulled you into this moment. Knowledge is power and knowing what takes you down is half the battle.
Step Three: Seek External Joy. The absolute only way to fight through a depressive episode is to seek out what makes you feel better. Remember, our brain will be influenced by our external surroundings. If you are down and all you do is sit in bed with the lights off, chances are you are never going to "want" to get up and turn on the light. Why would you? Your bed is comfortable and depression is excruciating. But if you want to fight the depression and "feel" better, then you have to find more things you like and dive into them. Creating and designing things are where I find my passion. Projects in high school always got me excited; creative writing, art, and woodshop were my favorite classes. In fact, my entire business is a constant therapeutic coping skill for me. If you want to "feel" better you have to put yourself in an environment that is better.
Step Four: Building Boundaries with Bridges. The journey to self healing is like a trip down a long broken path from your childhood. As a child, the world is big and full of potential so we see our surroundings this way. As adults, the world has knocked us down quite a few times so our perspectives change. We look at adventures and hikes that took us entire days to complete as children, and realize as adults we simply walked to a river in the back of the yard. The problems we faced and the obstacles we overcame during those years did not define our character, simply our potential, yet we attach ourselves to all the baggage and burdens that come along with it. As adults, we often revisit the places from our youth, reminiscing about how it "used to be" saddened by the idea that what was once so great is now gone. In reality, what changed is never the place, it's us. We change. We grow, we learn, we become completely unique individuals with different needs and desires. Where we come from and how we got here no longer matters more than who we currently are. Part of accepting who you are and what you need in life is requiring that other people in your life also understand and respect this. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for your feelings, choices and actions. You are responsible for your reactions and the consequences they bring. You are responsible for your own denial and enabling behaviors. You are responsible for breaking the cycle of your life and all those involved in it, and then insisting on and allowing the change to take place for you and anyone involved in your life.
Step Five: Establishing Your New Life. You've accepted who you are and learned who that is. You've found what motivates you and how to cope with the world around you. You've put the past behind you and established boundaries you need for toxic behaviors. Take your battle with depression exactly as it is... a fresh start for you. At this point, you choose what's best for you. There may be people in your life you need to leave behind, career choices that need to change, worlds that need to be uprooted, and that is now your choice to make. You are going to become a different person on your road to self healing and there may be things in your life that no longer make sense to meet your needs. The reality, however, is if you are truly going to heal you have to face these truths and accept that people also have the right to not want to change with you. Choosing to stay in the brokenness from your past, however, is now on you and you don't get to blame them for not changing with you. This is a time you get to say good-bye to things in your life without guilt. With self-healing you are going to become a different person than you once were. The promises made in life were made by that person and can no longer fairly be honored by you, because you didn't make them. You must make new promises and agreements for your life, and you must honor this version of yourself if you are going to continue to heal.
In the post to follow, we will discuss each of these steps in more detail for you to use as guidance on your journey to self-healing.
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